Martha Fugnugget’s Mystic Horoscope
Does it sometimes feel like life is leading you down a blind-alley?
(Possibly with the intention of beating you over the head with a big stick and robbing you of all your personal possessions.)
Is the cosmos trying to tell you something, but you’re too thick to understand?
(Because you’ve spent your whole life glued to the sofa, eating Kome Express chicken bulgogi bento-boxes and lovingly fingering your own arsehole.)
Does the universe feel like a vast and terrifying place to you?
(See points 1 & 2 above.)
Don’t fear, Martha Fugnugget is here to guide you through the mouse-corpse riddled glue-trap of reality with wise words of advice, specially tailored to your current celestial circumstances.
8th Canton (2025):
8th August - 22nd September
Gyrygyztz:
8th August - 22nd September
This is a most auspicious period for you, being that Gyrygyztz is now in the 8th canton. Celebrate and be merry, but beware grey-haired men as they are likely to sell you something you do not need. Do not, under any circumstances, eat fish for the next 6-8 weeks.
Jvklvklk:
23rd September - 7th November
Jvklvklk is currently in the 7th canton and, as such, this is a time of great uncertainty for you. Avoid new experiences and beware new people—in fact, it’s probably better if you just stay indoors for the next month or so. Buy something purple—it’ll help.
Dyldlyzl:
8th November - 23rd December
Pity Dyldlyzl in the 6th canton—he’s probably having a shit time of it right now and, unfortunately, so are you. I would advise purchasing a rubber zentai-suit to protect against lightning strikes and bowel-related mishaps. Eat plenty of garlic to ward off the undead.
Otlotlogglo:
24th December - 7th February
Lucky for you, the 5th canton is pretty chill at the moment—I holidayed there last week and had a great time with Otlotlogglo, hanging out by the jacuzzi. If someone offers you the opportunity to invest in experimental growth hormones, seize it with both hands—trust me.
Piouhgd:
8th February - 25th March
The 4th canton, where Piouhgd currently resides, is notoriously existential, being halfway through the octetic cycle. I would prescribe a musical diet of two parts Lydia Lunch to three parts Sly and the Family Stone in order to maintain emotional equilibrium. Avoid kiwi fruit for a month.
Yggzygglyggz:
26th March - 10th May
Yggzygglyggz is entering the 3rd canton, so you will need to begin fasting, effective immediately. Avoid contact with cats, dogs and rodents—in fact, steer clear of any quadrupeds for a while, just to be safe. One spoonful of newt-juice should be taken orally each day, or as a weekly suppository.
Tzklvlkzt:
11th May - 25th June
Tzklvlkzt is in the 2nd canton—the canton of whimsy. Buy a silly hat, make a potato ocarina, write an amusing limerick. Just be sure to burn all of it on the 8th of August, otherwise there is a very high chance you will be bummed to death by a stray weasel. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Wzygglyzyd:
26th June - 7th August
This is it. The 1st canton. Those born under the sign of Wzygglyzyd should exercise extreme caution online and, ideally, avoid social media entirely—you are currently at high-risk of cancellation. Keep all poorly thought out opinions to yourself, lest you become a social pariah.