Martha Fugnugget’s Mystic Horoscope
Does it sometimes feel like life is leading you down a blind-alley?
(Possibly with the intention of beating you over the head with a big stick and robbing you of all your personal possessions.)
Is the cosmos trying to tell you something, but you’re too thick to understand?
(Because you’ve spent your whole life glued to the sofa, eating Kome Express chicken bulgogi bento-boxes and lovingly fingering your own arsehole.)
Does the universe feel like a vast and terrifying place to you?
(See points 1 & 2 above.)
Don’t fear, Martha Fugnugget is here to guide you through the mouse-corpse riddled glue-trap of reality with wise words of advice, specially tailored to your current celestial circumstances.
1st Canton (2025):
23rd September - 7th November
Gyrygyztz:
8th August - 22nd September
The 1st canton is a dangerous place for those born under Gyrygyztz. Expect a lot of fucked up shit to happen over the next 45 days—like being chased by a flock of vampire sparrows, or being slighted by your favourite street cat. Replace all your blood with gin and purchase a pair of catnip loafers.
Jvklvklk:
23rd September - 7th November
Jvklvklk has never been fully at home in the 8th canton—you may feel some slight discomfort over the next few weeks. Get out in nature, befriend a cow, pick some flowers and if all else fails, take a Herculean dose of octopine—the cosmic terror you’ll feel during the ensuing nightmare trip will displace the discomfort.
Dyldlyzl:
8th November - 23rd December
Having entered the 7th canton this week, Dyldlyzl is feeling refreshed and expunged. Eat plenty of fruit to replace any vitamins lost during the last cantonic cycle, and if you weren’t struck by lightning, now is the time to go dancing with an umbrella in a thunderstorm at the top of the nearest mountain.
Otlotlogglo:
24th December - 7th February
The 6th canton comes to us all in time—now it is Otlotlogglo’s turn. Unfortunately for you, Otlotlogglo may have overindulged during the last cycle and is now nursing the mother of all hangovers—I accept only partial responsibility for this. Consume plenty of Betterverse© brand Glucozade© and starchy foods.
Piouhgd:
8th February - 25th March
The 5th canton is a mess after Octlotlogglo threw the cosmos’ biggest pool party there last cycle—sorry not sorry—and sadly, Piouhgd is the one that is having to clean up. Expect everything to feel more laboured than usual—except breathing, that should still be normal and if it isn’t, you should probably go to a doctor.
Yggzygglyggz:
26th March - 10th May
Yggzygglyggz is well-equipped to meet the existential crises commonly associated with entering the 4th canton. Relax, read some Albert Camus, have a wank if you really need to, but rest easy in the knowledge that you don’t exist for any real reason and we are all cosmic flotsam on the eddying currents of chaos.
Tzklvlkzt:
11th May - 25th June
Congratulations if you have survived your encounter with a stray weasel—if not, commiserations, but I did warn you. The 3rd canton, where Tzklvlkzt now resides is a place of humility and self-reflection—think of all those that did not burn their potato ocarinas in time and so succumbed to death by randy mustelid.
Wzygglyzyd:
26th June - 7th August
Wzygglyzyd is at home in the 2nd canton, where no one takes the piss out of their name. Indulge any intrusive thoughts during this time period, as they can only work out well for you—pet that lampshade, try eating that decorative plant on your partner’s nightstand, start a conga line on the London Underground.
8th Canton (2025):
8th August - 22nd September
Gyrygyztz:
8th August - 22nd September
This is a most auspicious period for you, being that Gyrygyztz is now in the 8th canton. Celebrate and be merry, but beware grey-haired men as they are likely to sell you something you do not need. Do not, under any circumstances, eat fish for the next 6-8 weeks.
Jvklvklk:
23rd September - 7th November
Jvklvklk is currently in the 7th canton and, as such, this is a time of great uncertainty for you. Avoid new experiences and beware new people—in fact, it’s probably better if you just stay indoors for the next month or so. Buy something purple—it’ll help.
Dyldlyzl:
8th November - 23rd December
Pity Dyldlyzl in the 6th canton—he’s probably having a shit time of it right now and, unfortunately, so are you. I would advise purchasing a rubber zentai-suit to protect against lightning strikes and bowel-related mishaps. Eat plenty of garlic to ward off the undead.
Otlotlogglo:
24th December - 7th February
Lucky for you, the 5th canton is pretty chill at the moment—I holidayed there last week and had a great time with Otlotlogglo, hanging out by the jacuzzi. If someone offers you the opportunity to invest in experimental growth hormones, seize it with both hands—trust me.
Piouhgd:
8th February - 25th March
The 4th canton, where Piouhgd currently resides, is notoriously existential, being halfway through the octetic cycle. I would prescribe a musical diet of two parts Lydia Lunch to three parts Sly and the Family Stone in order to maintain emotional equilibrium. Avoid kiwi fruit for a month.
Yggzygglyggz:
26th March - 10th May
Yggzygglyggz is entering the 3rd canton, so you will need to begin fasting, effective immediately. Avoid contact with cats, dogs and rodents—in fact, steer clear of any quadrupeds for a while, just to be safe. One spoonful of newt-juice should be taken orally each day, or as a weekly suppository.
Tzklvlkzt:
11th May - 25th June
Tzklvlkzt is in the 2nd canton—the canton of whimsy. Buy a silly hat, make a potato ocarina, write an amusing limerick. Just be sure to burn all of it on the 8th of August, otherwise there is a very high chance you will be bummed to death by a stray weasel. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Wzygglyzyd:
26th June - 7th August
This is it. The 1st canton. Those born under the sign of Wzygglyzyd should exercise extreme caution online and, ideally, avoid social media entirely—you are currently at high-risk of cancellation. Keep all poorly thought out opinions to yourself, lest you become a social pariah.