Popular Portals

Dry Riser Inlets. You see them every day, but you don’t see them see them, because you walk around with your soft eyes open but your mind eyes super, super closed. You need to wake the fuck up the eyes in your mind-case and take a look around at the world and see it, really see it. Super see it. If you start doing that then I guarantee you are going to start seeing a lot of shit that they don’t want you to see, and that includes dry riser inlets: portals to other places, times and dimensions hidden in plain sight.

What? I hear you say. How could this be? There are portals everywhere around me and I’m too stupid and blind to see them? Teach me, wise holder of secret knowledge. I will. I will. Let me explain, in simple stupid-people terms, how they work.

Basically, vibrations.

Dry riser inlets are the visible signs of huge, complicated networks of pipes that infiltrate every large, multi-level building. They say these pipes are there so sexy firemen can pump water around buildings in the event of fire. Total bullshit. That’s a ruse for the ignorant and unbalanced. These complex networks of pipes are actually constructed in such a way as to trap multi-dimensional frequencies that vibrate and oscillate the pipes across various vertices of reality so as to open localised tears in the space-time continuum. These small tears then manifest behind the small doors marked Dry Riser Inlet that you will find on nearly every commercial building(look for yourself) and any residential building over four stories tall.

With the right key you can open these doors and walk into another time, another planet, another reality altogether. It’s all about knowledge. Secret knowledge. And, I, Martha Fugnugget, Ghost Whisperer, Mythographer and Lubricator of Gaskets, hold the knowledge you need. Come, join me as I take you on a tour of the top five dry riser inlets in the UK.

1. 10 Langham Place, Birmingham: This unassuming inlet lodged neatly in a secluded corner of Langham Place, home of the recording studios that hosts the daily Podcast of Toe Mogan, leads to the last known city stronghold of the Flangian Resistance. Deadly, obnoxious and fundamentally corrupt, these people make the best raspberry ripple ice cream in the known universe. Their currency is dead dogs. For five dead dogs you can carry enough ice cream back home to feed a family of seven for at least a fortnight (three weeks if the weather is cool). Be sure to bring a flaming torch for seeing, a big ball of string for navigation, and a couple of edibles for the waiting as the Flangians have to ripple the raspberries in real-time (as opposed to fake time, baked time, break time, lake time, Blake time, and I hate thyme).

2. Conoctopticon Industries Headquarters, Peterborough: I use this one all the time, mainly because I live round the corner from CIHQ and this inlet is incredibly convenient as it contains a shortcut to the Aldi on the roundabout.

3. Terry Gilliam Court, Cardiff: Stepping through this small red door you’ll find yourself in the living room of Billtong Jones, actor and unofficial mascot of the Atomic Energy Authority. As much as the destination is unassuming, the reason this inlet makes the top five is due to the welcome you will receive from Billltong on entering his sanctum. He always has fresh cucumber sandwiches laid on (crusts off) and, if he is home, he will lavish you with professionally told tales of his exploits on film sets around the world. A master orator, you can lose days at a time simmering in the butter that flows from his chiselled chops.

4. The Duck Factory, Oldham: Known across the globe for manufacturing and supplying the highest quality ducks, the Duck Factory in Oldham also has the the dubious honour of hosting the most dangerous dry riser inlet discovered to date. No one has returned. All that is known about this portal is that any time a person has entered, reality itself changes. Every manifestation of the Mandela Effect can be traced back to an act of misadventure through this unassuming dry riser inlet. For example, the day that Luscious Foghorn stepped into the Duck Factory’s inlet was the day the Fruit of the Loom’s cornucopia vanished from existence. This inlet is often used by organised crime syndicates the dispose of bodies. Who knows what damage our reality has sustained? Whenever I think about it too much I have to spend a few hours under my Conoctopticon Industries Reality Shield*.

5. Panzer Dragoon Square, Oxford: Have you ever wanted to wake up yesterday? Now you can. Try it. It’s pretty cool, except you have to find the version of you that exists yesterday (now today) and kill them before they kill you, or you both explode. It’s a whole thing. My advice is to stay well away. Not only is fighting your mirror version incredibly difficult due to the causation loops from having two identical brain oscillations in the same physical space, but disposing of your own body is super existential. Frankly, it’s a right headache. Thing is, once you know about this inlet you have to constantly second guess what tomorrow you might do. Me? I hope. I pray. I stay armed and never assume I’m looking in a mirror. Now you know about this dry riser inlet, I suggest you do the same.

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